Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
