you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish you could order shots online.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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