So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
