I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize