dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize