in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We are all done wearing pants today
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
