Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
