I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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