i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
