the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
