at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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