Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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