He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
