Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
