I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Actions speak louder than pants.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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