i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
