The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
