i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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