my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
