I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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