the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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