I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I supernannyed him into submission
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
