Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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