I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
