I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
