I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
