I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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