Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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