eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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