If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
