It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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