I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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