I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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