Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
