I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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