Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
