is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
