how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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