what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
