So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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