Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
