So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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