I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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