so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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