i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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