She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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