My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
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