im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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