girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
