Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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