We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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