This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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