i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
