So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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