recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can't turn off my feet"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
