I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm really busy with my period
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