my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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