chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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