I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
