Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
