A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
