I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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